Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Meditative Prayer

I tried to sleep tonight...I even made sure that I went to bed at a reasonable hour. Sleep is my drug especially when I don't want to think or feel anything at all. But alas, tonight...while I slept for a few hours...I awoke abruptly at 5:38 AM and was completely wide awake. This is not something that is like me as I can sleep through an entire day without anyone noticing that I have done so.

Awake...I carefully opened my front door, locked it behind me and walked downtown towards the financial district where I stopped and got a coffee...something that I hadn't done in a long time. I walked in the dark amongst folks rushing to work...they all had purpose, somewhere to be, something to do, someone to meet...but they didn't know...they didn't know what my dear friend was about to go through. I couldn't blame them for not knowing or caring because their lives would go on and if they really knew...they would give their condolences and then move on with their lives.

I on the other hand...couldn't sleep and that was why I was there...roaming the streets of San Francisco at this god awful hour. I picked up my phone and called her and was glad that I was able to catch her in the car...her mother and sister were in the front seat looking for parking at the UC Davis Medical Center in Sacramento. She was crying. I would be too and I couldn't blame her. I couldn't even console her and wouldn't even try to attempt to as I didn't and wouldn't ever know what it feels like to be in her situation.

As I type after 6:30 in the morning...after I had the chance to get a coffee and pick up the latest SF Weekly...after I have found myself safely in my home...she is checking in with doctors and signing her final paperwork. I have wondered time and time again...why her and not me? She has led a healthy life and I have not. It should really be me there in her place. However, that is not the hand that I have been dealt and less than one hour...Kayle will be losing a part of her body permanently and there is nothing that anyone can do about it. Any glimpse of hope in the last two years has ended and it has all come down to this.

She has gone through some miraculous changes and has had amazing adventures since first diagnosed. I can tell that she is no longer the person that she once was and has instead transformed into something amazing. It's only the beginning now for her new life and I am so happy to be one of the many people that will be able to witness it first hand.

While she may be losing a huge part of her being...her body...her soul with this mastectomy...I am confident that something good is going to come of this. For those of you that know her, she is afraid and who shouldn't be? I would be. You would be. After more than a year of writing for Kayle...telling her story and sharing her wishes...I am somewhat beside myself. Is this it? Is this what was to happen all along?

Her doctors are but human as well...and for what has been discovered in seems that this is it for the time being. I only hope that her doctors...the oncologists, reconstructive surgeons, and most definitely the mentors and psychologists will be able to help her heal mentally and physically in no time at all.

Now, only 30 minutes away before she has to endure this painful and life-altering procedure...I will stay awake and meditate...send positive energy...and pray for a speedy recovery.

For Kayle...know that you are loved by so many. Kick some ass Cowgirl!


  1. Nathan, thank you for posting this morning. You are a fantastic writer. I woke up early too with her on my mind. But I didn't get out of bed.
    I'm amazed with Kayley's tenacity to kick this cancer and take the healthy road. I am deeply saddened that she has to go thru this. She's a strong girl and I have faith that she will come out just fine. Slightly altered, but stronger than ever. She's an inspiration.

  2. wow...........shedding lots of tears while reading your post........Thanks for all you do (must be a family trait :)