I'm amazed at how fluid life can be...there are no constants and nothing is certain. Other than what Jack so eloquently describes as the certainty of "nobody know[ing] what's going to happen to anybody besides the forlorn rags of growing old." This consistent constant while seemingly pessimistic is quite the opposite if one looks more closely at its inherent meaning.

Life is not for naught, it's just simply short and it is our duty to make sure that we, we humans do what is best for community. Even the word or the concept of community seems foreign once we include politics, religion, spirituality and stubbornness into the equation. What happened to the commonality of shared genes and the idea that god created all as one...as equals?

When did manifest destiny and capitalism become so prevalent while at the same time these same shared values, Darwinian values at best, hope to oppress those that cannot while the "can haves" can?

Darwinian...an ideology hated by most who sit on the right side of the road, however, loved when it comes to rights of people and the possible or maybe even probable origins of existence on the left.

Last Sunday morning I couldn't sleep...so I stayed awake and watched the sun come up over the coast...and while I couldn't really see the coast I knew that the sun was rising from the East and would eventually set in the West. The streets of San Francisco were barren for the most part and I walked up Polk Street to Pine and found my way to a park where I sat and contemplated the reasons for why I couldn't afford health care and why I didn't make more money or enough money to buy a nice sports car or a condo in the Marina. Darwinian I thought...

I wasn't strong enough...that must be the reason. Survival of the fittest I thought.

That guy with the hot car driving by me as I sat there in the park must have things figured out more or better than I could ever have imagined. That other woman, with the dog...a dog so cute that it could be on the cover of magazines...she must have things figured out as well...and while I hated dogs, she must've known something that I hadn't yet had the opportunity to learn myself.

Down the hill, church bells rang and they echoed throughout the hills of the city and I am sure that I would have heard them as well, even if I was still sleeping in my bed at home...but this time...it was different and I walked down the hill away from the park...

I entered alone into an old building, one that had been there since it was resurrected after the earthquake of 1906 and walked up dusty stairs into a hall and found my place in the back where no one could find me. The smell of incense was heavy but familiar and forgiving and while I don't remember much after that initial moment of entry into this spiritual place, I felt at peace.

I prayed for my friends with cancer, with heartache, and for those like myself who haven't yet found their way but were so close and were on the right path whether they knew it or not. And when I got home...I lit some incense hoping that the scent, the smoke reaches you to let you know that I am there as well and will be there always.

Lost and Found

There was a second when I felt like you weren't there
and just when I became scared you appeared.
Behind the half moon in the sky out in the mountains
where the marine layer finally dissipated, I saw you.

As a constant, you assured me that you had never left...
but I just wasn't looking hard enough.
Daily mundane tasks seem to overcome passion
and sometimes life, but that doesn't mean that you have to die.

Last night there was knocking on the wall,
four simple knocks that let me know that there was
someone there and while initially frightening,
the experience was comforting as well because I now understood existence.

And in the next day, I stood on the platform
with no one there but my thoughts and the crow that had once visited
me before without warning,
and I learned about patience.

The view from the station is something that I would write about
and I could quite honestly sit there on that wooden bench
forever if it meant that I would gain more
wisdom if I did.

For better or for worse we grow old and the only
thing that we can be assured of is our purple turned gray,
a shade of red and blue not less perfect but faded a bit
and still beautiful nonetheless.

And like this bench on the beach created out of muck,
sprouts a lotus more spectacular than it's upbringing;
so unsuspecting it is.
Matriarchal and judicious.

However, with comfort comes complacency and normalcy
and with what I thought once was lost and unobtainable
I have realized that I have found
myself and that you are there with me as well.

To Whom it May Concern:

To Whom it May Concern:

I just wanted to let you know that I am doing well...just fine in fact as I traverse this crazy planet looking for nothing in particular. I'm really quite content...honestly, I am.

Birds other than pigeons sang to me for the first time in a long time today and while they audibly seemed strange to me at first they made me smile. The City has a certain smell to it and when winter and cold transforms into spring and warmth,
I noticed it and knew that you would as well. It's amazing isn't it?

This letter to you is long overdue and for that I am truly sorry. I have often been told that I say the word 'sorry' too much but that is all that I can come up with at this time. It seems that I am sorry for saying sorry.

Inevitably, the fog rolls in and I can imagine myself at the place where Tamalpais peacefully watches over existence and for some reason, she knows more than I will ever be able to fathom. Through the small gate that leads to the Headlands I become anxious with the idea that on the other side I might understand...but alas...the Pacific and her wide angles only lead me to one point...the point of no understanding and the vastness of uncertainty.

Uncertainty.

Black sands, coarse grains, drift wood, stagnant foliage, shells, nature...nature...nature...

There is an order in which I do not comprehend but will worship it as there is nothing else that I can do...I pray.

Anyway...I hope that this letter albeit somewhat strange, finds you healthy and well. You are in my heart and my thoughts. Best wishes to you my friend.

-Signed,

Nathan.

Tathagata

दुक्ख

Reminiscent cold, nostalgic...uncomfortable
limbs on an old bodhi tree with translucent frozen stalactites
also hanging from a
youthful home.
The puddles that they formed when no one was looking
were my favorite
crept unsuspectingly in the day light
transformed again in the
night.
Innocently unsuspecting of becoming
metamorphosis and
fearful
of the outcome.
I'm scared of reality and
tired of my fear of feeling
However, in the place way beyond Tathagata
transcends existence and it's where
we meet.
Goddess is called boo boo
and while it's cold it's familiar and comfortable.
If I wasn't dreaming of tracks and rails
a point on a map
what else would I live for?
A hint in the wind maybe?
Slithery rocks with moss only on the North side might point
the way.
But until then
I will
swelter the cherubs of dukkha
and meet you in that place where the sun parts from the clouds.

दुक्ख

No Writing This Time

I just wanted to share a portrait that one of my old students drew of me...she's amazing and only in the beginning of her first year of college. Thanks Michelle!

Moment

There is a moment in time...a perfect moment in time when the sun peeks perfectly from behind the clouds and gives warmth for several perfect seconds. I have learned to live for these minuscule perfect seconds.

When the wind is blowing so quickly that the sun only makes a quick appearance before retreating beneath the clouds once again it's pure magic...I live for this perfect moment.

Like a madman...in these perfect seconds, I stare at the sky and let the warmth of the sun envelope me and embrace me because I know that the sun...the sun will never let me down...she will never leave me.

And in this perfect moment...today...in this moment a crow visited me...it had been years since I had last seen him. "Hello old friend," I said to him. He responded by screeching but I knew that he had understood...for it was he that was visiting me and not I visiting him.

The crow nodded his head up and down in an almost violent motion as he stood atop of the building in front of me...820 Post Street. I told him that I was impressed that he had found me since I hadn't sent anyone a forwarding address. I didn't want anyone to find me yet he did.

When he knew that I was okay...my grandfather who was just like me...is just like me nodded one last time and then flew away. "I understand" I heard the crow say as he flew off towards the sun and behind the clouds once again. Eyes watery beneath sunglasses made my vision blurry and the sun too bright doubled as if it had a twin.

Thanks for visiting me old friend...I'm glad that you can see me now.

Ashes to Ashes

Cigarette smoke lingering in your hair
detested by most but comforting to you,
you are strange like that.
You wore the color purple that day,
the day that you confessed and that same day
you...cried.

The marine layer was coming in and I warned you,
better get some cover...it's coming your way.
Even though the skies were blue,
you knew that it was coming and that just over the
horizon, near you, that you could see it coming too.
I...cried.

You told me that you now liked the color
green, more than
purple but were conflicted...
you wore green on your fingernails and
Purple on your toes.
You...smiled.

You walk in your head,
you're always in your head aren't you?
she asked.
I imagine that you are and that's what I like
about you but, despite that...
I...became serious.

You have to let me go she said.
I'm not ready I said,
this has all happened so suddenly but,
it's not my choice,
I'll honor you.
I...prayed.

The heavens began to rain and
I tried to catch the drops with my tongue
as if it were snowflakes like we, you and I used
to do when we were young
I...reminisced.

Shaking myself and
alone
for the first time or at least that's how it
felt to me in that moment
I closed my eyes and I met you again in a whisper.
Come to me...
I...dreamed.