Friday, June 6, 2014

BREAKING NEWS: Mayor Lee Renames Coit Tower, “Twitter Tower”

This just in: San Francisco has been infiltrated by unsuspecting Millennial’s from all corners of the United States who were promised an exorbitant amount of wealth to follow the American corporate technology dream. They may be found standing near municipal transit stops early in the morning waiting to board unmarked busses to undisclosed locations in the suburbs South of the City. They may also have an aura of entitlement surrounding them while they walk their untrained dogs. This is normal so please don’t be alarmed. Or they may be holding so called “Flip Cup” drinking tournaments with Milwaukee’s Best in the Marina District while Google Shopping Express delivers more Frisbees and visors to their parties. One may recognize these people by the phrases that they use such as, “Summer in San Francisco is so cold,” when in reality the thermostat reads 70 degrees Fahrenheit. Or, “I’ve got an app for that,” while shopping for produce and can’t figure out the difference between a potato and a turnip or understand that their food comes from farms or a slaughterhouse. Or even, “My stock options just reached a million today,” whilst signing a lease for a studio apartment that costs $4,000 per month with a view of their neighbor’s kitchen window and thinking that they have gotten a great deal.

Residents of the City are welcoming these innovative new folks with open arms and the local government has taken notice as well. In honor of the influx of new skilled technology workers to the City and with added tax breaks given to new startups, Mayor Edwin Lee dedicates San Francisco landmark Coit Tower in North Beach to technology. From this point forward per the decree of City Hall, the Board of Supervisors and the Mayor’s Office, it will now be referred to as Twitter Tower to acknowledge the sole company that selflessly helped San Francisco get out of the great recession with a move to their new Market Street location. While Twitter Tower sits on what has been known as Telegraph Hill for over a century, named for its telegraph communications during the first Great War, it will now be referred to as AT&T Hill. The company (AT&T) will commence construction of a new, unobtrusive tower above Twitter Tower extending several hundred feet to the sky which will deliver a faster internet and television connection to the citizens of San Francisco. Residents who might be displaced by construction of the new tower have been offered compensation to leave their homes and move to Oakland.

(Disclaimer: This is Satire and should not be regarded as anything other than a silly story that came from me noggin)

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