Oh eff it...Happy Holidays...

12.26.10
San Francisco

I'm always in my head and as such had plenty of time to reflect, especially about the holiday season...I have so much to be thankful for this year and for the first time, I truly believe that the new year is going to be better than ever.

On December 23rd, I rode the rails back in time to my often haunting past, yet this time with more confidence and virtually no anxiety to be felt at all. I almost began to feel anxious due to the lack of anxiety but calmed myself reminding my brain that I was leaving for warmth and good company instead of leaving out of fear or a desire for an escape.

I chatted it up with the conductor for most of the ride as if he was an old friend and gazed out at rolling and now green hills as well as a turbulent coastline...a storm was said to be on its way.

I felt zen.

O...and the other surprise to me was the amount of love I felt once in the town that haunts me so...it was confusing to me but I let it envelope me,

Strange...it...
Didn't feel like ghosts anymore.

I heard stories of healing, of growth and ones about falling.
Multiple stories about the big “C” and really?
At this age?
Poopy diapers, first steps, questions about when I,
Nathan,
Might decide to “grow up”
But I didn't care and enjoyed the pure act of observation without judgement.

I did lose my favorite sunglasses though

I slept like a baby, I smelled cinnamon and sometimes rosemary,
I found treasures from years ago and devoured them.
I hugged and I was hugged back.
I felt lonely even though I wasn't alone but deduct from this emotion that this is natural.
I read, more than I have read since the last time that I can remember.
I stared at the wall.
I did manly-man things.
I longed.
I played games with an almost four year old.
I thought of an old friend who is restrained.
I had food coma and when I arose, I preceded to inflict the same trauma upon my body once again
I never learn.
I researched information about Kwanzaa and I liked it
I hummed Bing Crosby tunes and some pop ones as well.
I told Sissy that she was beautiful and she really is.
Harrison Towne and I spoke about uneasy feelings and love and hate and
Connections after connection after construction of a new and better
Life.
Ginsberg spoke to me while I slept and I asked him to show me the way but there was
No Answer.
I was told that I needed a haircut at least sixteen times but have never been known to do what I am told.
I found out that Murkami wrote about my life in 1969 and as a tribute, I sang
“Here Comes the Sun”

Do, do, doo doooo

I feel...I feel...I feel content

A year ago, my home was a bench...and now today I am alive...
Whilst I don't care much for holidays or celebrating anything for that matter...today I will make an exception.

I am home.