El Duderino

Today I wanted to share something by a dear friend of mine...this is his poem.

"Jewels of the Russian Revolution"

Faberge would've been proud: this
top-heavy peanut
infused with spiraling lines of tiny gems
twisting towards the base
in rows that never touch.

A passer-by might notice
Christmas lights splayed in the branches.

Drivers would see
barricades of blinking lights
keeping the crash scene safe.

But to the prying eyes of the patient,
garbed in the loose gown of drafty hallways,
inhaling the hiss of disinfectant anterooms
it was his portrait in black and white:
the silver print of his prostate.

The surgeon had loaded
sixteen separate syringes
with seventy-four seeds
of irradiated birdshot, blasting
intricacies via catheter
just behind the scrotum.

And this image,
the size of a postage stamp,
glued to a pathology report
for Blue Cross
would've piqued both Nicolas and Alexandra
by its shimmering glory
to keep the Bolsheviks at arm's length
for one more moment in time.

-Phil Lumsden

I Had to Post This

The mother of one of my old writing kids posted this on my Facebook page and I hope that she doesn't mind that I share this but it really meant a lot to me (And by the way...her son is going to be so famous one day).

For those who have read about my story...you will understand why it means so much to me.

"...I just happened to remember you but when you were sleeping on benches...I thought what a fool ... with talent..."

I simply love this and had no idea people were actually reading this babble that I write here...I feel happy and blessed...

-Signed,

Ever The Fool.

P.S. And proud of it.

Revelations

It's humbling to admit that I have learned quite a bit about myself and about others in the last 48 hours or so. Don't worry...all that I have learned has been good...more than good.

I have learned that despite differences and difficulties that there is an amazing human capacity to simply love regardless of any experience the universe brings to us. Just when I needed to hear words of love and encouragement...the universe provided it in the most unexpected and most perfect ways. A simple phone call...a letter from a friend...and thanks to my friend Sophie a simple statement: "You're The Nate...we all love you."

I can't remember the last time in my life that I have felt more love or loved more than this moment right now. As mentioned above, I have learned a lot in the last two days and I have more importantly felt more emotions than I can honestly count...happiness, sadness, nostalgia, joy, schoolgirl like giddiness, jealousy, freedom, melancholy, uncertainty, love, love, and more love, and well...the list goes on but you get the point...

All of it has been good...healthy and cleansing. I'm happy and sad all at the same time and I think this middle path, this dichotomy between both emotions is perfectly and imperfectly just fine with me.

But with all of that said, the human condition still puzzles me. Not in a bad way where I furrow my brow trying to contemplate the universe or my belly button for that matter...but in a way that is exponentially more exciting and more fulfilling each day that I am blessed to walk this crazy planet. This concept confuses me, however, I better not ask too many questions and just let things be. Sure there are down times and times where I wish there was no such thing as war, conflict, pain and suffering, discrimination, poverty, and mayonnaise. I hate that vile white substance more than almost anything. It should really be outlawed but that's another battle best saved for another time.

So there it is...I am completely in love with the folks that are in my life and in a roundabout way wanted to thank them...and obviously...because you are reading this...thank YOU.

-Signed,

Uncle Nate.

I have to admit, I have been neglecting my updates recently and for that I apologize. I needed to take a break for a few weeks to take some time for myself and to regroup. However, having said that...I was thankful to hear from folks that they were surprised that I have not done an update in some time and were anxious to hear what has been going on. Some have even asked if I am still sleeping on park benches and bumming around town, which I am happy to say that I am that no longer or at least not yet for the time being.

The City still speaks to me and breathes life into me...her intoxicating smells and sounds invigorate me. The cold air and the wind chills me to the bone on a regular basis but even that is comforting and inspiring. Art is everywhere...even on the streets or the bus or from a snippet of stolen conversation...crumpled up newspaper clippings from the Guardian or the Weekly or even the Chronicle which I save in little piles on my floor for future reference. Small things...cheap scented candles, classical tunes by the George Winston of my past, a book I've read over and over again and continue to read slowly nonetheless...an ironed shirt and a super burrito with everything on it...all of these things inspire me.

My short departure is mostly due to some personal things that I have been dealing with but more importantly due to my next adventure that I have embarked on. Cacao Films has indicated an interest in a screenplay that I had started several years ago and never finished. Since then, my absence has been necessary to focus on completing this project so that it can go into post-development and continue to move forward.

I have moved past my first novel for the time being as it has been sent to an editor friend for revising which has been great for me since I can now focus on this film. I hope to have more information to share soon but until then...my story is hush-hush.

Thank you to all who have been helping me along the way to realize my potential and who I am intended to be. (Phil and Julie, Carissa, Eric, and Erin)

Loving Kindness,

Nathan.

Published in Oakland!

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Meditative Prayer

I tried to sleep tonight...I even made sure that I went to bed at a reasonable hour. Sleep is my drug especially when I don't want to think or feel anything at all. But alas, tonight...while I slept for a few hours...I awoke abruptly at 5:38 AM and was completely wide awake. This is not something that is like me as I can sleep through an entire day without anyone noticing that I have done so.

Awake...I carefully opened my front door, locked it behind me and walked downtown towards the financial district where I stopped and got a coffee...something that I hadn't done in a long time. I walked in the dark amongst folks rushing to work...they all had purpose, somewhere to be, something to do, someone to meet...but they didn't know...they didn't know what my dear friend was about to go through. I couldn't blame them for not knowing or caring because their lives would go on and if they really knew...they would give their condolences and then move on with their lives.

I on the other hand...couldn't sleep and that was why I was there...roaming the streets of San Francisco at this god awful hour. I picked up my phone and called her and was glad that I was able to catch her in the car...her mother and sister were in the front seat looking for parking at the UC Davis Medical Center in Sacramento. She was crying. I would be too and I couldn't blame her. I couldn't even console her and wouldn't even try to attempt to as I didn't and wouldn't ever know what it feels like to be in her situation.

As I type this...now after 6:30 in the morning...after I had the chance to get a coffee and pick up the latest SF Weekly...after I have found myself safely in my home...she is checking in with doctors and signing her final paperwork. I have wondered time and time again...why her and not me? She has led a healthy life and I have not. It should really be me there in her place. However, that is not the hand that I have been dealt and unfortunately...in less than one hour...Kayle will be losing a part of her body permanently and there is nothing that anyone can do about it. Any glimpse of hope in the last two years has ended and it has all come down to this.

She has gone through some miraculous changes and has had amazing adventures since first diagnosed. I can tell that she is no longer the person that she once was and has instead transformed into something amazing. It's only the beginning now for her new life and I am so happy to be one of the many people that will be able to witness it first hand.

While she may be losing a huge part of her being...her body...her soul with this mastectomy...I am confident that something good is going to come of this. For those of you that know her, she is afraid and who shouldn't be? I would be. You would be. After more than a year of writing for Kayle...telling her story and sharing her wishes...I am somewhat beside myself. Is this it? Is this what was to happen all along?

Her doctors are but human as well...and for what has been discovered in science...it seems that this is it for the time being. I only hope that her doctors...the oncologists, reconstructive surgeons, and most definitely the mentors and psychologists will be able to help her heal mentally and physically in no time at all.

Now, only 30 minutes away before she has to endure this painful and life-altering procedure...I will stay awake and meditate...send positive energy...and pray for a speedy recovery.

For Kayle...know that you are loved by so many. Kick some ass Cowgirl!

I Think That It's Almost Finished

After almost two years of writing and work...I think that my first book is almost finished and ready to go to the editors. For those of you that know me this has been a long and emotional process so I am glad that I am finally feeling like the end is near. Or maybe this is just the beginning I am not quite sure. Thank you to those that have contributed portions to this and to those that have read pieces and have given me insight. I hope that this finally gets into the hands of readers in the next six months or so. Now...time to nap and then get started on the next project!