Oh How I Wish to Live Alone Again

Normally I am a pretty peaceful guy. I don't like to get angry and I especially don't like to argue. I also take pride in the fact that I can handle almost any type of personality and communicate effectively. Unfortunately, today I was not at my best.

My morning started out a little rough, however, I received some great personal news and was enjoying the San Francisco weather and skyline as I made my way back up the hill to the apartment. While I wasn't entirely looking forward to coming back to the pad I was at least content that I had someplace to go at all.

But it wouldn't be long before my blissful walk home and entrance into the apartment would all be for naught and my mood would turn from contentment to disdain in seconds flat. It was the roommates. I hadn't even had a chance to put my things down and take off my shoes before I was backed into the corner of my room (well...actually I am staying in the living room but you get the drift) by my shy, yet aggressive Korean roommate. Apparently their fears were confirmed when they received word that the missing roommate was not missing after all, he had skipped town and left them with the bill and some of my money as well I might add. All of a sudden the amount of money that I had agreed to pay was doubling and tripling right before my eyes and I didn't know what to do. I was angry at the roommate for getting in my face and I was angry at the other guy who skipped town with my money and theirs. Frustrated to no end I had to walk away and ignore the incessant nagging from the Korean guy to pay him more money as soon as I could. It wouldn't be long before I would wrap my hands around his neck and choke him if he didn't turn around and walk the other way.

Now a few hours have passed and I am a little calmer and at peace about whatever the hell is going to happen next. I am also happy to say that no roommates were harmed, Korean or otherwise. And now...I think that it is best if I take a nap and hopefully wake up in the new year with fresh perspective and clarity. Onward!

It Ain't Paradise...But it's Dry

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I arrived back at the apartment that I am going to be crashing at for a little while and was greeted with total chaos. The walk from the Ferry Building through Union Square and up Lower Nob Hill caused me to sweat even though it was raining and all that I really wanted to do was rest. However, when I opened the door to the unit, I was greeted by this French dude wondering who I was. I finally convinced him that I was allowed to be here and that I indeed have a key to the apartment and the electronic front door. Soon, the other guys came out of their rooms to assure him that everything was okay. Once we had finally finished our introductions and everyone was calm again, they wanted to know if I had heard from one of the other roommates, the one who's name is the main name on the lease and basically, the one with the majority of income. I hadn't.

This roommate had left for Los Angeles and was supposed to be back in San Francisco over two days ago. He hadn't responded to multiple text messages and phone calls so the other guys were starting to get worried. Luckily, they don't know that my name is not on the lease so if the shit hits the fan, the only thing that I lose is a place to stay. I feel bad for the guys but I don't know what to do or what to tell them.

One of the guys, Daniel has even gone as far as trying to get this other roommate's family number to track him down as they are worried that he has skipped town leaving the rest of us to pick up the tab. Last night I was able to calm the guys down yet again and tell them not to worry as there was nothing that we could do at that point and that we could worry in the morning if there was still no word.

All in all, however, I was completely fine with him not being here last night as I was able to have the room to myself. There is no furniture, no bed and I have no pillow. So just like it was for me in the streets, I made up camp in one corner of the room...but this time I was able to huddle next to a warm space heater and sleep peacefully. I was at least thankful for this as it rained heavily all night long.

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I have had a few requests to see this apartment where I am staying and while I do not want to show pictures of the inside...I will allow google maps to show the exterior.

Happy Holidays!

Back to Reality and Back to the Bay

I can't believe that I have spent the last six days in the small little town that I grew up in. I vowed to never come back to this location but now I don't want to leave. Looking back, while I spent a majority of my younger years not far from this house that I have been staying in, it wasn't until much later that I actually began to grow up. Hell, I think that I am still growing up even at the age of 32 and continuing to find myself. Maybe I will never truly grow up because just like my good writer and reporter friend Eric, we both don't do well with following the rules nor doing what it traditionally accepted in American society. However, having said that...I have had some of the most relaxing, invigorating and loved days in my life here and I am truly sad that I have to let it go and move on. My gracious hosts have been more than amazing and have made what would be a completely lonely and hungry holiday season for me a truly blessed experience and I am forever in debt to them. I was able to experience a merging of family and friends regardless of tradition or belief and just simply enjoy each others company.

But alas, I must make my way back to the city that I do truly love more than any other place in this world and continue to walk my path alone. I know that when I hear the sounds of the honking cars, the silly tourists gawking at cable cars and bridges, and the ambulance and police sirens, that I will sigh with relief with a confirmation that I am where I need to be.

Tomorrow, I will take the train or hitch a ride back to the bay...whichever is easiest or cheapest or quite frankly, the most interesting and go from there. For the time being I have a place to sleep, I have my laptop and I have some clothes. I guess that I can't think of much else that I would need at this point because I am happy for what I have no matter how minuscule it may seem. A lighter backpack, some nice cheese and a bottle of wine would be nice though but I really can't complain.

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So I am going to San Francisco...I'll be sure to wear some flowers in my hair. To all of my friends whether I have had the chance to meet you or not...peace and blessings be upon you.

Focus

For the last few months I have found that as soon as I get one bit, one glimpse, one ounce of comfort and familiarity I completely shut down and am no longer productive. This is not to say that I prefer discomfort and pain over comfort and health hoping that I might be completely devoted to my passion and my path though. The problem is that in these moments I am allowed to be complacent for a short period of time and in these moments I feel safe. However, it is also in these moments that I often fail to create.

Living day to day, one day at a time and not always knowing where I am going to stay or where the money is going to come from so that I can buy food and pay for shelter is often trying. While most might think that this is the perfect opportunity for a writer to write, often times, life becomes too difficult to handle and the pen and the paper are neglected. Something has got to change if I am truly meant to make this work. I know in my heart that I have to.

My new years resolution this year is to focus. I can't remember the last time that I have actually made one of these silly resolutions, however this year I am confident that I must. Focus...it's so simple...just focus...

All Hollowed Christmas Eve?

After a very enjoyable evening of writing and watching old movies on television while house sitting for my friends, Christmas Eve turned into Christmas morning and it was time for me to go to bed. Seems pretty normal right? Well, it is except for one aspect that I had completely forgotten about once I had brushed my teeth and climbed into bed. This house is not only inhabited by my friend and his wife but several other spirit world type entities. Now normally I would be skeptical about such phenomena, however, while staying her previously I have heard the noises. Some of their friends vowed never to sleep here alone because they feared a possible encounter.

I wasn't afraid because I was told to just ask them to let me sleep if they became too loud and that eventually they would go away for the night. But when I immediately got under the covers, the noises began. I thought that if I just waited it out until I fell asleep, they could make all of the noise that they wanted and it wouldn't matter because I would be in slumberland. Unfortunately, this didn't happen and they would not listen to my pleading to shut the hell up so that I could go to sleep.

Finally, after a few hours of waiting I eventually fell into a deep sleep but not deep enough as to prevent me from having some pretty vivid nightmares. My body began to heat up and I was perspiring heavily. In my dream I was brought back to sleeping on a bench in the city and while before I was cold this time I was incessantly hot. I was wearing a button up shirt that I had forgotten to change when I went to sleep and in my dream while trying to sleep on the bench I was so desperate to cool myself down that I ripped the buttons off my shirt just like the Incredible Hulk might have done in the movies and then pulled off the buttons on the cuffs as well until I was free. I felt a rush of cool air but kept the shirt close to me almost as if I was using it as a blanket, but in my mind, I told myself to keep it close or someone might steal it from me. Some time passed and I became more conscious and realized that I could feel softness beneath me and the bed became a reality. Once I knew that I was indeed laying in a bed and not on the bench, I slowly remembered where I was and then noticed that I wasn't wearing a shirt any longer...just like in my dream. I sat up immediately and turned on the light to inspect and sure enough, I had ripped every button off of my shirt rendering it virtually useless.

I'm not sure why I had such a vivid dream and why it brought me back to the streets when I was clearly in a nice, warm and comfy bed but it scared me. So between the spirit people making all kinds of noise and my strange reality-driven dream, my Christmas Eve was quite interesting. Luckily I was able to go back to sleep once the sun had come up and the ghostly guys went to sleep themselves. Now it is time for me to reflect, write and enjoy the nice weather and holiday cheer with the lights on.

Ho...Ho...Hope...

For those that know me well, they know that I don't really celebrate the holidays. I don't dislike them, I have nothing against them and I have very fond memories, especially of Christmas when I was young. However, for some reason over the years family members became emotionally distant and geographically further away from each other. Eventually Christmas and Thanksgiving seemed just like any other day for me and for the most part I am honestly okay with this. But, there are some times when I do miss the merry-merry and the warm holiday spirit because I often don't feel like I have anyone to really share it with. These feelings are rare though and usually happen when I see the families and couples ice-skating in Union Square or the snow flake Christmas lights on lamp posts downtown. I usually snap out of it though when it becomes impossible to walk down the sidewalk congested with cranky, pushy touristy shoppers.

But this year is different for me thanks to a dear old friend and his wife and family. I mentioned early that they had opened up their home to me back in my old home town but I had no idea how much comfort it would bring to me. I am truly thankful for every little thing that I have experienced thus far and I hope that they know this. I wish that I could give them all great, big, expensive gifts.

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This evening, I am watching over their house as they head over to their mom's to get ready to open the morning presents. I am sitting in the living room, admiring their amazingly decorated tree and watching my all time favorite movie Swingers. I feel loved, content, warm and all merry-merry again. I couldn't think of a more perfect way for me to spend the evening tonight. I hope to get some personal writing done as I have been in survival mode for too long lately to progress on any of my projects. I feel hopeful tonight and I am going to let that feeling dwell in my heart and my mind for as long as I can.

To all of my friends: whatever holiday or tradition you are celebrating or not celebrating...I wish you the best as well as a happy new year. Peace and love. Om Om Om.

P.S. Their cat Tuggs is finally starting to warm up to me...maybe because she knows that I will be the one feeding her in the morning.

P.P.S. You're money.

You Can Leave...If You Want To Leave...But I Won't Follow...Just So You Know

I feel that I need to need to explain some things before I continue posting. Something is telling me in my heart that I need to share more than just the superficial things that are occurring on a day to day basis in my new life.

First of all, I must explain the title of this blog a little further. Some have interpreted it as being a declaration of my distaste for actually working or being gainfully employed. This is the farthest from the truth as I am constantly working, just not in the same way that I guess would fit into what is considered a traditional societal norm. It is not that I feel that I am too good to work at at restaurant, pick up trash or even answer phones for some executive officer. I have done all of these types of jobs in the past so they are in no way beneath me. However, having said that...I have been there and done that and for someone who is a self proclaimed creative junkie...I just can't do it any more. My good friend Eric, who is also the creative type once put this type of personality very nicely when describing himself. "I just don't follow rules very well," he said. I am the same way and do things on my own whether they are the best decisions or the worst decisions. They are indeed my own triumph or demise to experience and no one else. I understand that this is hard for many to understand and normally would not attempt to explain myself, however, I thought that it would be fitting to do it this one time.

Okay...enough of my disclaimer for now.

It is now nearing the Holiday and for whatever holiday you are celebrating this time of year, I wish you the best. Today I took a train further North to stay with a friend and his wife for the next few days. They have graciously opened up their home to me and included me in their family tradition this holiday. While I don't celebrate any holiday religious or otherwise, they have included me as one of their own. I am actually at a loss for words when it comes to describing the feelings that I am having regarding their generosity. I know that they understand how grateful I am to be able to spend these cold few days with others rather than by spending it all alone.

I'm tired from all of the traveling and new surroundings, however, tonight...I am going to enjoy the beautiful Christmas tree in front of me, good friends, and good food and bring in the new year just right. I'm thankful. Peace and love.