No Writing This Time

I just wanted to share a portrait that one of my old students drew of me...she's amazing and only in the beginning of her first year of college. Thanks Michelle!

Moment

There is a moment in time...a perfect moment in time when the sun peeks perfectly from behind the clouds and gives warmth for several perfect seconds. I have learned to live for these minuscule perfect seconds.

When the wind is blowing so quickly that the sun only makes a quick appearance before retreating beneath the clouds once again it's pure magic...I live for this perfect moment.

Like a madman...in these perfect seconds, I stare at the sky and let the warmth of the sun envelope me and embrace me because I know that the sun...the sun will never let me down...she will never leave me.

And in this perfect moment...today...in this moment a crow visited me...it had been years since I had last seen him. "Hello old friend," I said to him. He responded by screeching but I knew that he had understood...for it was he that was visiting me and not I visiting him.

The crow nodded his head up and down in an almost violent motion as he stood atop of the building in front of me...820 Post Street. I told him that I was impressed that he had found me since I hadn't sent anyone a forwarding address. I didn't want anyone to find me yet he did.

When he knew that I was okay...my grandfather who was just like me...is just like me nodded one last time and then flew away. "I understand" I heard the crow say as he flew off towards the sun and behind the clouds once again. Eyes watery beneath sunglasses made my vision blurry and the sun too bright doubled as if it had a twin.

Thanks for visiting me old friend...I'm glad that you can see me now.

Ashes to Ashes

Cigarette smoke lingering in your hair
detested by most but comforting to you,
you are strange like that.
You wore the color purple that day,
the day that you confessed and that same day
you...cried.

The marine layer was coming in and I warned you,
better get some cover...it's coming your way.
Even though the skies were blue,
you knew that it was coming and that just over the
horizon, near you, that you could see it coming too.
I...cried.

You told me that you now liked the color
green, more than
purple but were conflicted...
you wore green on your fingernails and
Purple on your toes.
You...smiled.

You walk in your head,
you're always in your head aren't you?
she asked.
I imagine that you are and that's what I like
about you but, despite that...
I...became serious.

You have to let me go she said.
I'm not ready I said,
this has all happened so suddenly but,
it's not my choice,
I'll honor you.
I...prayed.

The heavens began to rain and
I tried to catch the drops with my tongue
as if it were snowflakes like we, you and I used
to do when we were young
I...reminisced.

Shaking myself and
alone
for the first time or at least that's how it
felt to me in that moment
I closed my eyes and I met you again in a whisper.
Come to me...
I...dreamed.

El Duderino

Today I wanted to share something by a dear friend of mine...this is his poem.

"Jewels of the Russian Revolution"

Faberge would've been proud: this
top-heavy peanut
infused with spiraling lines of tiny gems
twisting towards the base
in rows that never touch.

A passer-by might notice
Christmas lights splayed in the branches.

Drivers would see
barricades of blinking lights
keeping the crash scene safe.

But to the prying eyes of the patient,
garbed in the loose gown of drafty hallways,
inhaling the hiss of disinfectant anterooms
it was his portrait in black and white:
the silver print of his prostate.

The surgeon had loaded
sixteen separate syringes
with seventy-four seeds
of irradiated birdshot, blasting
intricacies via catheter
just behind the scrotum.

And this image,
the size of a postage stamp,
glued to a pathology report
for Blue Cross
would've piqued both Nicolas and Alexandra
by its shimmering glory
to keep the Bolsheviks at arm's length
for one more moment in time.

-Phil Lumsden

I Had to Post This

The mother of one of my old writing kids posted this on my Facebook page and I hope that she doesn't mind that I share this but it really meant a lot to me (And by the way...her son is going to be so famous one day).

For those who have read about my story...you will understand why it means so much to me.

"...I just happened to remember you but when you were sleeping on benches...I thought what a fool ... with talent..."

I simply love this and had no idea people were actually reading this babble that I write here...I feel happy and blessed...

-Signed,

Ever The Fool.

P.S. And proud of it.

Revelations

It's humbling to admit that I have learned quite a bit about myself and about others in the last 48 hours or so. Don't worry...all that I have learned has been good...more than good.

I have learned that despite differences and difficulties that there is an amazing human capacity to simply love regardless of any experience the universe brings to us. Just when I needed to hear words of love and encouragement...the universe provided it in the most unexpected and most perfect ways. A simple phone call...a letter from a friend...and thanks to my friend Sophie a simple statement: "You're The Nate...we all love you."

I can't remember the last time in my life that I have felt more love or loved more than this moment right now. As mentioned above, I have learned a lot in the last two days and I have more importantly felt more emotions than I can honestly count...happiness, sadness, nostalgia, joy, schoolgirl like giddiness, jealousy, freedom, melancholy, uncertainty, love, love, and more love, and well...the list goes on but you get the point...

All of it has been good...healthy and cleansing. I'm happy and sad all at the same time and I think this middle path, this dichotomy between both emotions is perfectly and imperfectly just fine with me.

But with all of that said, the human condition still puzzles me. Not in a bad way where I furrow my brow trying to contemplate the universe or my belly button for that matter...but in a way that is exponentially more exciting and more fulfilling each day that I am blessed to walk this crazy planet. This concept confuses me, however, I better not ask too many questions and just let things be. Sure there are down times and times where I wish there was no such thing as war, conflict, pain and suffering, discrimination, poverty, and mayonnaise. I hate that vile white substance more than almost anything. It should really be outlawed but that's another battle best saved for another time.

So there it is...I am completely in love with the folks that are in my life and in a roundabout way wanted to thank them...and obviously...because you are reading this...thank YOU.

-Signed,

Uncle Nate.

I have to admit, I have been neglecting my updates recently and for that I apologize. I needed to take a break for a few weeks to take some time for myself and to regroup. However, having said that...I was thankful to hear from folks that they were surprised that I have not done an update in some time and were anxious to hear what has been going on. Some have even asked if I am still sleeping on park benches and bumming around town, which I am happy to say that I am that no longer or at least not yet for the time being.

The City still speaks to me and breathes life into me...her intoxicating smells and sounds invigorate me. The cold air and the wind chills me to the bone on a regular basis but even that is comforting and inspiring. Art is everywhere...even on the streets or the bus or from a snippet of stolen conversation...crumpled up newspaper clippings from the Guardian or the Weekly or even the Chronicle which I save in little piles on my floor for future reference. Small things...cheap scented candles, classical tunes by the George Winston of my past, a book I've read over and over again and continue to read slowly nonetheless...an ironed shirt and a super burrito with everything on it...all of these things inspire me.

My short departure is mostly due to some personal things that I have been dealing with but more importantly due to my next adventure that I have embarked on. Cacao Films has indicated an interest in a screenplay that I had started several years ago and never finished. Since then, my absence has been necessary to focus on completing this project so that it can go into post-development and continue to move forward.

I have moved past my first novel for the time being as it has been sent to an editor friend for revising which has been great for me since I can now focus on this film. I hope to have more information to share soon but until then...my story is hush-hush.

Thank you to all who have been helping me along the way to realize my potential and who I am intended to be. (Phil and Julie, Carissa, Eric, and Erin)

Loving Kindness,

Nathan.